Had another couple wonderful Disney days yesterday and today... What a nice break from reality. 

I seriously am not sure, I'll ever be happier than watching Wishes with good friends.  That may just be as good as it gets.  

In my finals week at Asbury so currently just procrastinating finishing while I upload completely pointless videos to Facebook from the past two days.  I might have lost all productive energy to finish these things, which is just not good.  I've discovered the problem with doing well in your classes all semester is there is little motivation to put forth effort in the finals... Maybe next semester, I'll try failing a class or two with finals being my only hope... bad idea? Okay, maybe not.  

Highlights to come from the Christmas Break 2011:

1. Finish finals (tomorrow, hopefully)!!

2. Pack, pack, pack

3. Finish Christmas shopping

4. Nutcracker Ballet :) I love holidays and fancy things like ballet.

5. Labelle with Brittany for FOUR DAYS... it's a long time- her family is probably going to be kicking my out on day 2.

6. Home- Lula

7. Charlotte for Christmas with my mama's side of the family

8. Jacksonville to visit my long lost pseudo Irish friend Kyle for a few days

9. New Year's something with someone

10. A break from classes in January (Hallelujah!!)

Had quite possibly the most unproductive Saturday to ever exist, but I had the pleasure of ending the day with a UCF basketball game that ended in surprising excitement, a lovely trip to Four Rivers BBQ and now settled in at home watching The Holiday and doing "schoolwork." If you count 3 pages in a day as progress, I've made progress.  

I'm really thankful for today.  

For a day off with no real pressure to accomplish or do.  

For friends who take me as I am- lazy day and all.  

For sappy Christmas movies.  

For new friends becoming great ones. 

For best friends knowing my heart.  

For American sports. 

And most importantly, for Four Rivers ;)

Ever have one of those days where the very issue you feel like you've gotten nailed down decides to prove it's not dead yet... That was my day.  Always fun.

As I drove home tonight my heart was so uneasy- feelings of insecurity and loneliness and unworthiness and fear... And of course it took me until 11pm to really seek the Lord about it.  Fighting it all day in my mind was totally not working, but I always give that option a good run for its money.  I got home.  Fought with myself for about 10 minutes about whether to turn on a movie or read a book and just try and forget things or to force myself to spend some time with the Lord.  Jesus won this time (I'm not sure why I don't let him win every time, but alas).  After spending a moment, recognizing and agreeing with the Lord that He is good; He is trustworthy; He is sovereign; He is always in control; He is never surprised, etc.  I opened my little devotional and in sentence 1 was tearing up... EXACTLY the words my heart needed to hear.  Like a traveler lost in a desert, my heart was instantly refreshed and quickly broken.  Broken because- bottom line- I just suck at seeking first God's kingdom.  He knows precisely what I need, and I am so hesitant (especially in this season) to seek His heart for me.  Just like a lost wanderer, I am often daily in need of rescue.  I so foolishly resist time and time again.

"Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit.  I never meant for you to be self-sufficient.  Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings.  I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness, to point you to Me. Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings.  Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.
Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed.  As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled.  Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me."  Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

well... hello long neglected blog


Today, while washing dishes, almost as quality thinking time as the shower, I was pondering why I have such a hard time blogging this semester.  It's not a time issue, really.  I make time for the things I want to do like reading the Hunger Games books twice in one month, painting my nails, Facebooking, etc.   So that's not the problem... 
It's not that I don't have things to write about.  My life is super boring event wise, but the stuff in my head- totally entertaining.  I would know. 
Rather... here is the issue: writing things down sometimes makes them feel real.  It's hard to ignore the truth when it is staring you in the face (I've also been avoiding journaling, just in case you were wondering).  

The truth of my life at the moment is this... I don't really know who I am anymore, and I have no idea where I'm going with my life- at- all.  Let me explain.

Since last February-ish, I've been walking (with Jesus) through the absolute hardest season of my life.  No real reason why.  Lots of little events, lots of thunderstorms in my heart, lots of messy relationships... This season is really shaping my personality.  I'm becoming a girl who has like 2 friends, who might cry more often than she should, who would rather read 10 books in a weekend than go out.  I have taken to avoiding BIG MAJOR life decisions because it's just to stressful to try and think about all the details.  Totally not the college me, most definitely not the high school me.  This conundrum has lead to the directionlessness (I know it's not a word, just go with it) in my life.  I need to make these decisions within the next 2 to 3 months- some sooner, some later, but generally...
1. Where would I like to do my counseling practicum? Orlando? Georgia? Some other random city? 
2. Once I settle on a geographic locale, which counseling center has openings for practicum students and wants to take me on?
3. Where do I want to work while doing my practicum? Serious job like people with college degrees should have or fun jobs that are useful for ignoring the real world?
4. Where do I want to live after graduation? Florida or anywhere else in the world? If it's Florida, I need more practicum hours and classes.  If it's anywhere else in the continental United States, I can most likely graduate in December (of 2012).  Yes... 
5. Do I want to pursue licensure immediately or pursue more ministry related things?


Just a little sampling of the questions rolling around in my head... These don't even begin to touch the "Why Gods?" or the "How is that going to work out?" or the "When is my turn?" kind of questions. These are not leaving a lot of space for poetic words or creative thoughts.  Starting next week, I will begin to deal with these (I promise!)- just as soon as I get back from my 3 days at Disney :)


All I can say is, Jesus take the wheel ;) But don't listen to that song... Listen to this one All Your Life

Today in class, my professor said, 

"As counselors we are meant to be scaffolding in a person's life, not a permanent structure." 

 I think that will stick with me for a while.  

Sometimes I laugh at the way Jesus phrases things to me... He seriously has His own super clean version of UrbanDictionary in my mind.

Today He said to me during worship "I'm gonna rock this thing.  You aren't even going to believe it."  

In my mind, it was like a cocky quarterback before a rival game- pumped up on adrenaline, picturing the end result of a crushing game like he somehow knows the ending.  

I pictured God rubbing His hands together, smirking as He's seeing the end result of this season I find myself in.  

I'm glad You're smiling, Jesus... could you pass some of that hope my way?




Also think this song perfectly describes my current life situation... surprise, surprise! It's T. Swift.  I'm telling y'all... We should be best friends.


A Place in This World- Taylor Swift

Went for a long walk in Winter Park yesterday... so good for my soul

Totally needed to read this today... 

"Understanding will never bring you Peace.  That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young


The devotional goes on to expound on that idea, but oh did I need to hear that in this season.  I don't have to understand- I am pursuing the wrong path in trying to understand the whys and the hows.  


Way to go Jesus! You are so good at crushing my idols- all of them, even the ones I was blissfully unaware of until now.  

This girl is ready for football season to have begun yesterday... 

First UGA game as a student.. I teared up at kickoff.

UGA v. Vandy in Nashville with some of my very favorite people

This is what happens when you love the Dawgs a little too much... 

UGA v. Tenn in Knoxville... perfect company, less-than-perfect outcome

What I would give for season tickets and tiny plane to fly back and forth to Athens for game days... 

Just discovered this singer called Cary Brothers- I am seriously behind in the music world... and this could quite possibly be my new favorite song.  

I have been so lazy at my blogging... Here's the quick catch up session:


May...

A trip to the Keys and Vero Beach with some fabulous girls

Led my first mission trip solo to Ireland for 10 days

Helped out at youth camp for a lovely church from Merritt Island, FL

June...

T. Swift Concert... perfection!

Moved- new apartment, new roomie :)

Finished another class for school

Took a little trip "home" which included Charlotte then the Blue Ridge Pkwy with Mama and Daddy...

Then Daddy's Father's Day present... the GA Aquarium and The Varsity

Oh... by the way, my sister got engaged while I was home, and she's getting married August 27th (yes... in 2011).

July...

Fourth of July (maybe my favorite holiday) celebrations on the east coast

That's the life overview on the surface. 

It's been a busy, beautiful summer full of lots of hard lessons of humility and dependence on the Lord.  

I'm existing in a season of learning to wait... That's the answer the Lord gives to all the prayers I pray lately.  

This song we sang at church on Sunday brought me to tears because waiting is so difficult to do gracefully... 

Highlights from Dublin so far... 

1. Good friends (becoming better ones) to travel around and explore with

2. Incredible ministry we stumbled upon to work with... The staff have such great hearts and are so welcoming and precious

3. We got to work in a homeless ministry tonight which is totally where my heart lies when it comes to mission trips... Memorable moment: Lady going crazy and spraying the room with a fire extinguisher.  Definitely have to say that's a first for a mission trip.

4. Getting to be on a mission trip again just makes my heart feel so alive... 

5. One of the great needs the mission and the homeless ministry both need are counselors! Why have I never considered the possibility of counseling abroad?? Definite life possibility.

6. One of our friendly hostel friends asked one of the girls if she wanted to go to Hell with him tonight... One of the most original pick up lines I've ever witnessed.  

7. Love the laid back attitude and the ability to just enjoy life and not hurry through it... I could stay here awhile. 

Sorry for the short, nondescript blog, but it's 12:17am, and I'm exhausted. 

Two ways I should start my day... 


Saying Job 40:4-5
 ⁴ “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
   I put my hand over my mouth.
⁵ I spoke once, but I have no answer—
   twice, but I will say no more.”


Praying John Wesley's Covenant Prayer

I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,

exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

thou art mine, and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.

Maybe I'd look a little more like Jesus.

This is why I love Brittany Baker... And because she has a sparkly guitar strap.

Becca's Profile · Brittany's Profile · Becca's Wall

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  Becca CalvertBrittany Baker

  soo one of Taylor Swift's band members just proposed to his girlfriend in a castle in Dublin, Ireland... Why am I not there now? Why am I going a month and a half late? This would be my perfect life.

  20 minutes ago ·  ·  · See Friendship

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      Brittany Baker All in good timing? He already had a girlfriend so obviously he wasn't the one for you. When you get there, there will be a single, Irish man waiting for you in a castle. THAT would be a perfect life.

      
      

      7 minutes ago · 
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      Becca Calvert But he needs to be connected to T.Swift so I can travel around with them and be her best friend...

      6 minutes ago · 
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      Brittany Baker Hmm...we'll make it work. Let's not get picky. An Irish man proposing in a castle? Come ON.

      5 minutes ago · 
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      Becca Calvert all I have to say to that is Ephesians 3:20

      5 minutes ago · 
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      Brittany Baker You.are.ridiculous.

      4 minutes ago · 
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      Alyssa Pirlo I'm just going to throw this out there, i love y'alls relationship, especially on facebook. It always brings me great joy.

      3 minutes ago · 
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      Brittany Baker haha! I'm a pretty big fan of it myself. glad it brings you joy, Alyssa!

      about a minute ago · 
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Waiting on the Lord... what a nice concept to discuss. what a comforting sentiment to encourage a friend. what a difficult mindset (and attitude of the heart) to live out.

My devotion this morning was about waiting on the Lord and trusting His timing and His plans.  Maybe I should re-read this excerpt every morning... I so struggle to not plan for God, to not make it a little easier for God to get things done.  While there's been incredible growth in my life in this area, I still have heights to scale, and oh does the Lord have His work cut out for him in my heart. Bless Him!

One thing I know for sure... I love people.  People are risky to love, but today I was so sweetly blessed with multiple encouraging, vulnerable, open, honest conversations with so many great women.  My heart feels full because of the kind words and challenges they spoke into me, but more than words or advice.  The time and presence they granted me is a gift.  I get to spend my days being intentional in relationship with God's greatest creations.  Why do I ever not love that?
Today I am reminded of an answered prayer.  The Lord has given me community and support in Orlando if I'll just reach out and take it in my hands.  I needed to be reminded of the Lord's goodness as I journey through some unknowns where I am not able to see the perfection of God's plans.  Thank you Jesus that you speak to tenderly to my heart through the words of women. 

Two things I have discovered about myself while watching videos for the Wesley fundraising dinner
1. I definitely have a Southern accent... seriously, didn't know it was that bad.
2. When I laugh, my eyes disappear.  Thanks genes for the sweet squinty eyes!

Last night I discovered an interesting fact about myself... I've been on 21 mission trips- 21 mission trips since 6th grade.  Apparently I love doing that... 

I also was reminded that since I was a little girl I've dreamed of living abroad.  I wrote a paper about it in 10th grade that I pull out and read periodically. I'm pretty sure my parents were convinced they'd need a passport to visit me at this point.  Then, I went through a phase where I couldn't imagine being that far away from friends and family, but the Lord is impressing that desire on my heart again- deeply.  My heart feels alive and somehow less restrained outside of the good ol' U.S. of A.  I love the discovery of new places and cultures and people.  I love that I'm reminded that I am not the center of the universe, and how I'm accustomed to doing life is not necessarily the right way.  I love that I live more simply- one suitcase of clothing, no cell phone, ready for the day in 20 minutes.  My heart just rested in peace this week.  I didn't feel the need to always be busy.  I didn't stress to have it all together.  I laughed (ALOT).  I played and danced and just let go.  

I had the privilege of being a "learner" this week... 

We got to help make a mess of a house into a home for a mom who needed a second chance and her 4 beautiful sons. 

We were the recipients some of the sweetest hospitality from Bahamians from the best curry chicken I've ever eaten to beach houses and cases of Goombay punch. 

I was reminded how such simple gestures can bind one heart to another like sharing my water or giving away a granola bar. 

There is no neat resolution to this post, just a smattering of thoughts- trying to make sense of the Lord's whispers and the fires He's lighting in my soul. 

We sang all hymns tonight at Wesley.  There is just something deeply beautiful about the words in some of those hymns that have been sung for years and years.  The timelessness of their message and the lasting creativity in the words and melodies allows me to feel connected to generations of struggling sinners on a journey to sanctification.  The solidarity that the history brings is so inspiring and encouraging especially when I'm feeling battle weary from trying to fight the world with all the wrong weapons.  


This verse from "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand" met me in exactly the place I am... 

"When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay."

Today was a twinge lighter than the last eight or nine have been, and I am so very grateful for even the minor change. 

I had counseling today, and we talked through what I want in life... good question to ask a 23 year old, right?

I'm pretty clear on where my heart is now after a really freeing and powerful discussion. It's amazing the freedom and the strength for tomorrow I am feeling just by knowing and saying out loud what I really want.  Nothing has changed (and I doubt anything will in the near future), but I know what I want.  I have a clear goal, and I'm not lying to myself anymore and invalidating my desires.  I'm not thrilled that I'm not where I want to be in life right now, but at least I can admit that. I've been trying so hard to convince myself that everything is perfect because I'm an eternal optimist who smiles when she cries. But I'm seeing the health in just being me, being authentic to who I am in the moment.  Stumbling after Jesus but also being real in my struggle to trust and understand where He's leading me... 

What is it about BBQ and Jesus that goes so well together?  We had Sonny's after church, and it just felt right... Kind of like at every church gathering, BBQ is served. If only it was football season, it would have been a perfect Sunday. 

My toes hurt a bit after the sermon tonight at church.  Our pastor, Isaac, talked about the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, and I was convicted on both sides of the spectrum.  The prideful pursuit of self-righteousness and holding others in contempt, and also the side of needing to recognize and live in repentance for my sin. There was definitely an "ah- ha" moment for me.  

This weekend was our Wesley Women's Retreat.  Learned so much.  So much left to process through and implement in daily life.  But I'm learning to be okay with baby steps.  Learning to be okay with not having it all together.

The Lord is really pressing his finger on some areas of my life, and it is PAINFUL and overwhelming and seemingly impossible.  I think it's the nature of mankind to avoid pain if at all possible, but I'm seeing in my life that sometimes pain is the way to depth.  Definitely not a lesson easily acquired.  

I can sum up most of my struggle in this... I can share of part of my life with everyone, but I can share all of my life with no one.  Ultimately, that's my hearts desire- to be able to fully share my life. I'm being driven to more dependence on the Lord in this, and what a beautiful result.  Good thing Jesus is patient.

We talked a little bit about the Shack tonight in my small group... so I pulled it out and started looking through all the sections I'd underlined.  


I really needed to read this today... it's been one of those days where life has been building and building and building, and eventually, the world just crumbles because I'm only human (try to convince me of that sometime when I'm upset) and I'm a 23 year old, emotional mess.


Thank you Jesus for loving me in the midst of my messiness... no end in sight. Your perspective on my life gives me hope. 


(This is God talking to Mackenzie- the main character in the book.) 
"And let's say that I know it will take you 47 situations and events before you will actually hear me- that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change.  So when you don't hear me the first time, I'm not frustrated or disappointed, I'm thrilled.  Only 46 more times to go.  And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day you will walk across."


Grasping this concept of the expanse of Jesus' love+ a solo vacation... would be so good for my soul.

current feeling: overwhelmed

solution:

1. Postpone all "responsible" type activities

2. Buy a plane ticket. 

3. Pack a carry-on

4. Move to Barcelona for a year or two.

5. Master the Spanish language and make some new friends. 

I'll also learn to make the best paella ever... I'll just try not to be too stressed over the shrimp heads. 

Sounds like a perfect plan to me... 

This post will probably a slight waste of your life so you can't say I didn't warn you.


1. I looove this song! It's one of those I feel was written exactly for me... 
A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans


2. Birthday week was a complete blast! Pictures on Facebook... But just one little glimpse

3 cakes

3 trips to Sweet

Multiple dinners and lunches with sweet, sweet friends

A fun little trip to Cowboys 

Lots of thoughtful gifts (which means lots of Thank You cards)

And the Super Bowl capped off an exceptional week

3. Started new classes this week... Super excited about my Community Counseling class, super nervous about New Testament

4. I got my Orange County Library card today... I'm pretty stoked (and I know that makes me lame.)

Can you tell that I'll only be using it for educational purposes?

5. It's tax time, and I am stressed... I hate all the little forms and numbers and percentages and deadlines.  I really just want to live in a world without anything financial or cars. 

6. You should read the Beattitudes in the Message... so I'm going to write them here for you.  Seriously speaking to my heart and challenging me big time!

 ³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

 ⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
 ⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
 ⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
 ⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.
 ⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
 ⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
 ¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.
 ^11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."

I have failed at blogging recently... 

I've been in an alternate state of mind since returning to real life after my extremely long, extended to an astronomical length Christmas vacation.

Can't put my finger on why exactly. 

I'm noticing how prone I am to busyness and forgetting to let myself process and feel and soak life in.  

I let myself work and push through even though I hear the gentle, familiar whisperings of the voice of my Savior. I think He's saying, "Slow down. Rest. Let yourself be at peace."

I don't stop to journal or blog or pray because I'm just too overwhelmed in my mind.

My life really is not that busy... why do I feel overwhelmed?

I'm pretty sure I could win some kind of award for successfully carrying unnecessary burdens for unnecessary lengths of time.  Too bad that is not a credential I want to add to the list... 

My intensive class ends on Tuesday, and maybe that'll be a spirit lifter or at least a check on the to-do list (which we all know is totally a spirit lifter).